Schadenfreude or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Donald

Internet Headlines: *

GOP nears its breaking point as Donald Trump rolls toward nomination
Donald Trump is on the verge of winning the Republican nomination, and the GOP is plummeting into a civil war that promises to redefine the party – or destroy it entirely.

Reid: Trump a ‘monster’ created by GOP
Referencing a Washington Post op-ed’s headline, Senator Harry Reid called Donald Trump the GOP’s Frankenstein “monster” while speaking on the Senate floor on Wednesday.

Super Tuesday exit poll results: Who is voting for Donald Trump?
Voters for Donald Trump today look a lot like those who supported him in previous contests, according to results from the NBC News Exit Poll. A majority of his voters have no college degree. In comparison, among those voting for other candidates, about four in 10 are not college graduates.

 

Newspaper Headline: **

GOP caught in identity crisis
“ ‘It’s scary,’ South Carolina Gov. Nikki Haley, who has endorsed Rubio, said on ABC’s ‘This Week.’ She added, ‘I think what [Trump will] do to the Republican Party is really make us question who we are and what we’re about. And that’s something we don’t want to see happen.’ ”

 

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Do you think the country is ready for a remake of the 1931 classic film “Frankenstein,” which starred Boris Karloff as the Monster? Mitch McConnell would play Dr. Henry Frankenstein, while Paul Ryan would play Fritz, the doctor’s hunchbacked assistant. Frankenstein’s fiancée Elizabeth, charmingly played by Carly Fiorina,

arrives just as Henry is making his final tests. He tells them to watch, claiming to have discovered the ray that brought life into the world. They watch Frankenstein and the hunchback as they raise the dead creature on an operating table, high into the room, toward an opening at the top of the laboratory. Then a terrific crash of thunder, the crackling of Frankenstein’s electric machines, and the hand of Frankenstein’s monster begins to move, prompting Frankenstein to shout ‘It’s alive!’.”

The film will be shot in black and white. The monster will be played by Donald Trump.

One problem with this idea is that the movie will probably more nearly resemble the 1974 horror comedy film “Young Frankenstein” than the earlier production. It will still be shot in black and white (of course!), but the Monster will lock out the doctor and take over his laboratory, the better to create new monsters of his own design.

When the Transylvanian peasants learn that the monster is in control of Dr. Frankenstein’s castle, they take up their pitchforks and their torches and march through the night to the gates of the gothic pile Dr. Frankenstein calls home. Upon their arrival, the Monster appears in a window of the tallest tower, and begins to harangue them, and tell them what idiots and losers the Transylvanian government is. They’ve been cheated and lied to by the feckless establishment politicians running things from distant Cluj. They’ll be a lot better off when they’re Cluj-less, the Monster says, and not only that, he will build a wall, a huge wall, between Transylvania and Moravia, to keep the Moravians from sending their criminals and drug addicts south into Transylvania, and he’ll make the Moravians pay for it. The Monster will make Transylvania great again, he says, just like it used to be a hundred years ago.

The mob cheers madly, and they chant, “Transylvania! Transylvania! Transylvania!” The Monster comes down from the tower and is carried away on the shoulders of the peasants, who ensconce him in the town hall, where he will rule over them forever and ever.

The End.

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* All internet headlines appeared on msnbc.com on 2 March 2016

** Denver Post, 29 February 2016

 

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