The Daily News

It’s the news.  It’s always the news. 

Every day.  Every night.  Every week. 

All. Year. Long. 

There’s a very real danger that if I pay attention to everything – every new scandal or revelation or exposé involving the incompetent cabal of malevolent narcissists running the show in Washington, D.C. – if I were to do all that with my complete and undivided attention, there is a very real and visceral danger that my head might explode. 

This would be unpleasant not just for me (because I would no longer have a head) but for everyone in the immediate vicinity.  It would be messy and disgusting, and could very possibly set off a chain reaction.  Others nearby who have been in a prolonged state of news-avoidance could be traumatized.  Thrown without warning into extreme panic, their heads might also explode, creating an Augean Stable of blood and gore. 

Like nuclear fission run amok, the contagion would metastasize, becoming a veritable Chernobyl, but without the Russians.  Or Fukushima, without the tsunami.

But maybe there would be Russians.  Maybe there already are.  Maybe they’re behind the whole thing.

The Byzantine cyber-subversions, the emails, all those foxes guarding all those hen houses.  They’re showering paranoia and discord over us like a vast radioactive fog. 

People who watch Alex Jones or Fox News, or who listen to Rush Limbaugh, have been spared though. 

How, you might ask?  It’s very simple. 

They have all been issued Russian-made helmets, crafted from the finest tin foil, protecting them from the harmful effects of facts and science, and reality in general.  They are compelled to wear these protective devices at all times, lest they fall under the influence of Secular Humanism or – worse yet – Socialism!  Sometimes, if you look very closely, you can see little bits of the tinfoil sticking out from under the wigs they wear to hide their complicity.

I know all this because I read it on a completely reliable Facebook page.  Or maybe it was a Google ad.  Whatever.  It doesn’t matter, because I know this to be absolutely true, despite what you or anyone else may be thinking or saying right now, in front of me, while I’m trying to explain all this in a very rational manner.

That’s fine, as long as you understand:  It’s weird out there, and we all need to be very, very afraid.

I think I’m going to stop now, before my head explodes. 


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