(1) Violence: Dear FBI, Secret Service, and FaceBook Minders: I know that violence against the president is completely illegal and dangerous, and it is not something I or anyone else I know or support have in the past, are now, or will in the future state, desire, or agitate for as a goal. Sure, it has the benefit of finality. But were something like that to unfortunately happen, we would have to endure Mike Pence. Consolation Prize: As wildly conservative as he is, Pence looks (slightly) better now, just by comparison with Mr. Trump. Of course, anyone would come off looking better when compared with the Mango Mussolini. Except perhaps Mussolini.
(2) Accident: While extremely unlikely, due to his Secret Service detail, and his limos and his helicopters, a golfing accident could happen. While motoring across one of his money-losing golf courses, a tree might collapse right on top of the presidential golf cart. Again, finality, and not much the Secret Service could do about it. They’re prepared for active shooter scenarios. Active falling tree? Not so much. Another possibility is that, while swinging a nine iron, one of his golf buddies (Real buddies or Fake Buddies? One wants to know) loses control of his club and it flies head first into the head of the Leader of the Free World (though I daresay Trump does not see himself in that role). Downside: He might survive, suffer brain damage, and emerge from the hospital even more deranged and delusional than he is now. So, in the accident scenario, a falling tree is definitely much better than a nine iron.
(3) Heart Attack: Despite what the now-former White House physician and suggested VA Secretary – Dr. Ronny! – said in his absurdly positive review of the president’s health, Mr. Trump is a fast food cholesterol bomb waiting to explode. Golfing is pretty much his only exercise, though his thumbs do get quite a workout, what with all that tweeting. Look at it this way: cheeseburgers + physique + golf cart exercise = heart attack. It would be the easy way out (for the country), but once again, we would have to put up with Pence afterwards. And if not Pence, then the Speaker of the House (P. Ryan), and then the President Pro Tempore of the Senate (O. Hatch). Any of them would be an appalling follow-up act to The Great Pretender.
(4) Resignation: Talk about too much to hope for. Next?
(5) Impeachment: This is not a possibility so long as the Republicans control Congress, mainly because the vast majority of Republicans in the House and Senate are either craven power seekers or spineless weasels. It’s hard to say which group is ascendant at any given time, though it seems the weasels are predominating right now. In any case, the grounds for impeachment – high crimes and misdemeanors – do seem to exist. For example: failing to protect our election system from interference by a hostile foreign power (despite overwhelming evidence both that the interference took and is taking place, and that the foreign power in question is indeed hostile to us); obstruction of an on-going federal investigation; enriching his and his families’ businesses as a result of his position of power. There may be other reasons that have yet to come to light, but these seem sufficient. If only someone would start the process.
(6) Vote: This is clearly the most preferable method of evicting Mr. Trump from 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. Sadly, we are a long way from Tuesday, 3 November 2020. To be precise, it is 831 days from the day I write this. However, it is only 104 days until Tuesday, 6 November 2018, which is our first opportunity to turn back the red tide unleashed and encouraged by Trump and his acolytes, and abetted by his apologists. We cannot remove Trump from the presidency this coming November, but we can thwart his agenda, and blunt his ignorant and dangerous impulses. Untold mischief can be done and chaos unleashed in the next three months by the enfant terrible with the fragile ego who lives (part of the week) in the White House, but the preceding five options are either illegal, unlikely, uncertain, or some combination thereof.
I continue to believe a greater percentage of Americans cherish democracy and distrust Trump, than do those who love and support any little thing Trump says or does. I also believe that if the people of this country fight back against voter suppression and gerrymandering, if we register to vote, if we show up on the first Tuesday after the first Monday in November and vote, we can stop Trump and his ilk, and save the republic.
And yo, FBI: I’m still not advocating or hoping for assassination, so please don’t let my little piece of satirical political writing distract you from investigating Russian spies, collusion between politicians and foreign agents, or interference with our electoral system by a hostile foreign power or powers (looking at you, Russia and China). Thanks!